By Jackline Mwende .
Children should live a life full of happiness, love, and boldness to grow into the fullness of confidence and mental stature, ready to face the bright, forgiving and instructive world. Sad enough, some of us experienced a different state of this often-spoken-well of life. For instance, it’s challenging to live with a stressed-up mum, a female who plays a mother and a father simultaneously; a mum who is the breadwinner in the family; the only provider around.
As I grew, I managed to understand that it is true my mum was the only person that I could depend upon. Life was turning into a dark tunnel, but I hoped that light would be part of me. It was hard for me to understand how my mum would be the provider of everything. As I made my way into class five, I was now very sure that it was my mum and me. My situation had already prepared my mind for an independent journey. Questions lingered in my mind about my father but then I found it a bit difficult to understand. It is not an easy task with less presence of both parents.
My mum had to work hard and daily to maintain a state of” we have” at home. In most cases, she could leave home to search for a Holy Writ body sustenance, the bread. I would be left at home acting like a mum and figuring out how children who are close to their dad feel .”How does fatherly love feel like ?” Just then, I became aware of the duties of a mother. And that is how I learned to be independent; to this moment, I can relate to the freedom fighters’ journey towards attaining our national independence!
A bit hard, it was indeed, to cope in school and also at home; a lot of people, especially in school, used to question the whereabouts of my father. These inquiries brought about sorrow all through. Grief and pain would fill my heart, which turned into an ocean of tears smeared with unrewarding memories. Rallying around in the circles of life, I would meet, “Where is your dad?” one of the most challenging questions that I would crack open my buried shells of memories to answer. Nevertheless, a moment of silence would lead me to a moment of relief. It was a tough situation when my classmates and friends would call their fathers over the phone to speak, have fun and enjoy the father-daughter talk. As for me, I knew that my mum was the only shoulder I could lean on; that was my cupcake. She was mostly busy looking for fees and a daily meal. So, a month or two would pass without a single call. But was used to the situations. Visiting days in school was a battle. Most students were often visited by all their family members, owning to big machines, but the worst part is that the fathers would have fun with their daughters. Coiled in my dormitory bed, after hours passing by, my mum would arrive; that late as some would think, was my early because I knew she had far important errands to run. But then I knew all through it was my mum.
The Male Gender?
I was never daddy’s little princess, so when a guy tried to show me some make of affection, I don’t know how to react. I end up pushing it away. I never realize when a man is loyal because the man responsible did not prove that loyalty to me from the start; I will never be 100% certain in a relationship, the opposite of what is expected to happen. It has been such a hard time for me to cope with the male gender; the situation forced me to join a girls’ school to pursue a certificate of secondary education. At school, my expectations bent low when I found out that most of the teachers were male. Facing them and listening to them made it even more difficult, being misunderstood by everyone regarding my reaction and attitude.
Truth, Hate and Acceptance
I was rejoined with my father when I was in form three. It was such a difficult thing to accept he was my father. I had to struggle with accepting the reality; my desire clung to hatred, denial by passion! Life was never easy without him, and was I to accept it all? The betrayal of the family? Where was he when mum played the part he ought to play to better the mystery he created? What a life I hate with a passion, to carry the load meant to be shared, oh mama that the God in heaven smile on you, to grant you the desires of your heart through me! Daddy, where were you when I was so burdened with questions in school about your whereabouts? I had learned to cope with the gravity of these issues. I struggled with my sense of independence at a young age when my dependence was on you. The worst part of it was the state that I would spend my time thinking about my mum, about the possibilities you made impossible. Even after completing high school, there was a sense of incompleteness. But you know what, the blood running in him is in me too, he is my father who never was, yet I have to recognize him!
Woken To Speak
I was done with school and ready to face the citizenship of the world. Life was rough and hard, and cluelessness beclouded my thought. More needs emerged. Mum was still struggling to provide. A feeling of speaking out walked my lane. I decided to visit my cousin, and at that moment, I opened my heart, poured it out, spoke all I could; what a feeling of relief and a sense of fulfillment! It was tough and glued in the beginning but helpful in the end. Being a counselor, she guided me on coping with the male gender and accepting the then situation. My mum, cousin, and a few friends understood the bother. The situation taught me independence; no wonder I get a tingling woe in my brain to hear some girls have to survive from the pockets of some men; it is hard for me to ask for financial support from anyone; the independent part of me since childhood. I have always set my mind that I can manage anything that comes my way.
A Lifetime Lesson
I always feel that this has helped me, on the other hand. As of now, I know how hard it is to survive alone. The importance of working hard in life. It has been not easy to accept Daddy, which I hope will not be the same case with my kids. The condition he led me through has also given me tips on choosing life partners and how to cope with them; they need to accept everything that comes my way. That is why I am too careful when making friendships or relationships; taking care of my emotions and future financial independence, always hoping for the best for my children, always taking my time before making a step.
The jewel of my soul is my mum; she has fought one of the toughest battles. Mum ensures that my needs are fully met. She is a woman who can sacrifice anything for my success. Despite a lot of misunderstandings, my mum will always hold me and cover me around his arms. She has acted like a mother and father to me.
I am looking forward to a great future. I will ensure that I become the best present-mother my children. My household will experience the excess love from a mother, taught by a mother that no matter what the condition, present yourself with a broad smile. Mum has shown me the direction of coping with situations. The need to always remain focused. The need to always share with the less fortunate despite the small share. The need to respect the elderly. I appreciate you, mum. I can’t wait to see you celebrate my family years to come. I am looking forward to expressing my appreciation to you with my family-to-be.[origincode_videogallery id=”2″]